So it's sunday

The chalk vandalists finally hit my soft spot. They have been leaving their awful pasty mark on our facility for weeks. Honestly, i kind of enjoyed the obese unicorn and pair of stunna shades which served as a sort of hipster branding, telling all that they are about to enter the indie section of michigan... east quad. but the silly words that people felt obligated to scribble was what ruined the perfectly clean brick. "never let school ruin your education". even after some head of administration ordered the chalk to be powerwashed off our walls (thank fucking g-d), i decided that maybe school is in fact holding me back. so what was my obvious answer to my educational standstill? thanks to the cosmic preachings of Ice Cube, i went to church. And holy hell, was it educational.

The idea of faith was still very distant for me being a person who rationalizes everything until it completely deteriorates. But what was even harder for me to grasp was the belief that there are those who have belief. Total blind faith. Today's sermon was about hope, and where to find hope in a broken world. The preacher refrenced a day, much like this one, and quite frankly like every one to come living in Michigan, where the sky's are grey and they air is cold, and it makes you feel a disconnect from this G-d that they so heavily depend on. But it is there, they say. That feeling that they KNOW is, and will forever continue to be there. So they prayed, hands outstretched, eyes closed, with their faces beeming. While i stood, surrounded by this overpowering feeling of faith, i realized that i have never felt more grounded. My eyes filled with tears, that were both out of sadness and fear. And when i looked up, unable to even lift my feet, i saw all of the congregation, floating timeless in this space. Were all these members truly filled with spiritual light? And if so, why was i missing the feeling of elevation? Their words of praise turned colder as they reached me, and broke against my shell, instead of absorbing into my being like they were intended to.

Then it hit me. I'm not empty, but just the opposite. These people around me have this simple source to guide their life that they can always refer back to, and though i'm glad they have their answer, it doesn't mean that faith is mine. So where was i supposed to turn? All of my life's choices are a burden that only i can carry, but along with that come all of my joy and accomplishments. I don't live my life only for one idea, but for thousands of thoughts and feelings and people that i still have yet to encounter. Every struggle that i bear through will change me, and most importantly, it will be inspired by only me. So with every step i take, i have so much more to lift. This heaviness is not anything to be ashamed of or to get rid of. It's me and my surroundings. It's who i am, and i left feeling empowered.