inkblot test

Finally, at the pinnacle of the summer, i have happened upon that moment when the culmination of all my schooling has come into action. PSYCH. Instead though i have decided that the majority of the bullshit i was spoonfed had little to no applicability to my life. So, as i try to better myself, i will force everything i know to fit into my cloudy mind. Round peg, square hole syndrome. In trying to think about the least helpful tidbits of knowledge that i have crammed for, only one specific man of the hour came to mind. Sigmund Freud was a crack addict living in an anal time period where women were repressed, men froliked around care-free like ponies, and everyone needed to get laid. One concept that he coined was the idea of catharsis. And so in this meddled mind of mine, i find that catharsis (which i have never used and feel that i probably never will) shall be my sole release. Hey, don't blame a woman for trying something new.
Thai food, cigarettes, paper, pens, keys, life, keyhole, locks, wallet, missing my wallet, where the fuck are my keys, dirty room, marraige, becca pasik, ignored, shabbat, shabbat shafuckinglom, roomate, college, packing, RC, learning, loving, growing, bed, growing pains, threes company, old tv, movies, balnkets, comfort, lacking comfort, despondent, air freshener, i could use some pop tarts. Analyze that oh great psychological father. Analyze that.

Can i get a cherry on top of that?

It was another seemingly unimportant night with the 5 of us that started off just like any other would. Lora got in trouble and we had to delay our departure, Liat wouldn't leave the cabin on time, Alana was wearing goofy-ass pants and displaying her new button bracelet, and Becca just wanted to get fucked up. Classic. Despite some internal struggle to get the fuck off camp, we eventually found ourselves at the Otis cafe. After some serious convincing and deliberation, the group convinced my fat ass that we can share a plate of potatoes that could have fed a small village in africa instead of me handling it on my lonesome (family style isn't my forte, i get territorial). In the end we ate everything on our plates, and everything on the plates of the table next to us (we knew them, but that probably wouldn't have stopped anyone). Slightly incapacitated and inebriated from all the deliciousness, we meandered on over to the cove, my absolute favorite spot in the LC. My rationale is the cove is quiet, secluded, has a significant lack of obnoxious drunk teens and tends to leave your clothing, hair and body smelling like it should instead of the overwhelming scent of old bonfire. We all settled in right away with all our goods and set up camp. After some pre-gaming we ended up in a heated discussion where we all were arguing the same point against nobody but the metaphorical man and sociaety as a whole. You see, we're told plenty as kids; don't drink, don't do drugs, don't hit your brother, etc. But until now we didn't realize that the reasoning behind these messages were mostly invalid and untrue (except for the brother one. He does get pissed when i hit). Why is altering your state of mind such a pathetic thing to do? Isn't bringing yourself onto another plane of thought overall beneficial? I mean it seems ridiculous to tell us that we should stay where we are forever. Sobriety is much more cloudy than people think it is. Inhibitions that come naturally, or that have been bred in our society stop us from seeing things from another point of view, accepting things as they are, and allowing ourselves to think against our normal pattern of thought. Only when these mental blocks are lifted can we start to understand things from the other side. I'm not saying we need to smoke to understand or drink to figure things out. I'm just saying that experiencing what it is like to release our inhibitions is vital to being able to do it on your own. It's just another way of looking at things. Thanks natasha beddingfield. That, among many other topics, was one of our genuis discoveries we made. I want to take a moment to remind myself that these are the best people in the world. There are few times that i can say i would not rather be anywhere else doing any other thing with any other individuals. P.s. i'm ridiculously lucky to have friends like this, so stop being a little bitch about your lack of pudding.

What's a sister got to do to get some pudding around here?

There's this give it get it philosophy that i've just recently picked up. I had my epiphany yesterday during the hustle and bustle of maccabiah, where campers over-exert themselves and staff do just the opposite . People depend on each others' energy to keep things circulating. It's weird how drastically and rapidly mood swings take place, especially at camp. The 24/7 contact with people makes every day so much busier, hence we have these unpredictable emotional changes that should be occurring throughout a week, but all have to fit in between flag and curfew. Throughout this past week of concentrated camp fun, i would unfailingly encounter a feeling that i can only describe as removed every day. No matter how good of a mood i was in, or how little contact i would have with certain people or even people all together, something would always trigger this removed persona. It's like one moment i would be in a situation, and the next i would we watching it, thinking "do i even need to be here?". The more i connected this feeling with certain activities, times of the day, and people, the more those things would push me away. I set out on an i hate so and so rampage thinking they were the ones ostracizing me, but not until much later did i realize that i was doing it to myself. If i take a second to really seperate myself from a situation and see it as an outsider, the way i would respond to people when i felt uninportant was to withdraw or simply leave when they came around. But by leaving i left no lasting impression on them, i didn't show them that i was physically there, and they would have no reason to think that i was a vital part of that situation. It's like if i feel like people think i'm useless, my self-pitying attitude will make people treat me like i can't do anything on my own, which just verifies the previous belief. Even if that's not how they would originally felt, my energy affects theirs. It's all one vicious cycle of worthlessness. Upon discovering that i'm an idiot (that was my rational conclusion), i have hereby decided to follow the golden rules of power of positive thinking. So far so good. Now i wonder if this practice will work for getting pudding for dessert...

car 54, where are you, where are you?!

I laid down the law today. In the most passive aggressive kind of way possible, but it was laid down nonetheless. Let's rewind to my childhood, where maybe you as an outsider can objectively determine what event in my short-lived, uneventful life made me so damn maleable :). I'm not sure if i was super domineering in a previous life, maybe hardcore S&M got me down, but either way i'm a pushover. Now that i've set the scene, lets fastforward to today, when i opened my car for the first time in 4 days and found it completely trashed, and the tank half empty (yes, half-empty. this is my pessimistic quota for the day). Well, i wasn't gonna take this laying down, no siree! lets just say i made my message very clear to all future car-borrowers. **note, the message i'm refering to is written on pastel pink paper and taped to my steering wheel. if that's not intimidating than i don't know what is.** sarah says hi. emily looks like a hooker. love ya. xoxo gossip girl

more-ientation

I feel like it's an inborn sentiment to despise the process of orientation. I can't begin to enter the depths of how many exasperated sighs i've heard since i've come here. In fact, sometimes i sigh just because conformity sounds like a nice change of pace, but really i'm kind of enjoying myself. Did i mention my college is the shizznit? (today this guy charles asked a girl to say "alfredo is the shizznit" in german. You know... one of those basic need-to-know phrases). The RC mentality has already swept me up with it's origin starting from brooding students ready for a change who establish their alternative learning so that they actually LEARN the material to better themselves and abandon the traditional format of classroom teaching as well as condecending i'm-better-than-you student-teacher relationships, moving into a more fluid "the student is the teacher" and vice versa ideals has made me want to stand up, kick a table over and yell "yeah! fuck the man!". Instead i think i threw my pencil down angrily and muttered under my breath, which to me was in essence the same, but to a bystander looked more like a weird tick or something similar. Not only has this whole experienced pumped me up for learning (yeah, thats right, i went there), but it reassured me that i can be a stud. if you don't know what i'm talking about, i'll leave you with i came, i saw, i conquered :)