just another part o' my mini-legacy

There's an aspect about the internet that is much more eternal than any other type of record-keeping device. Once you put something out there, it's out of your control. What's done is done; an idea that has always comforted me. This dawned on me while watching a 1993 episode of the X-files about a learning computer taking over its surroundings. That's why i write in this blog, rather than a silly word document. Well, that and the fact that windows vista is evidently more intelligent than i am, and i'm fairly resentful of its accomplishments. I would like to hope that if, or maybe i should say when, one day, technology surpasses us meek humans, my oh-so-important thoughts will be a part of the impending imperialism. What if i never get the chance to do my part to destroy an entire race? I need to get my hostile tendencies out somewhere. Look ma, i'm evil!

Anyways, i'm glad the following wonderment is about to be added into what will eventually lead to the technological apocalypse. And zach, this one's for you champ, if you're out there :). I recognize that clearly i am not totally comfortable with myself in my surroundings all the time. But i don't understand what about attraction makes most people change or overly analyze the way they are. It seems to me that there is no point in going after someone who won't return the same feelings to you, as yourself. In fact, most people harbor qualities that are unique to themselves only, and because of that, people are naturally attracted to you. So where does changing yourself come into play? If anything, one should be overly self-like if they want to have that reciprocated care. The only people who have real game are those who just know how to play their game well enough.

I know too many people who assume that they aren't good enough for someone (including myself) and simply give up on the idea. Lets depict this in a cost-benefit analysis format so that i can get my econ practice in for the day. If you do dare to make a move on someone, you run the risk of getting rejected, and if it's really serious, it can end in full-fledged heartbreaking, tears falling, tub of ice cream, emotional damaging, meg-ryan-movie-watching disaster, but if you get what you want, it's just the opposite. Now, if you see the previously listed costs as too dangerous (that's a lot of meg ryan you'd have to handle), the decision is made to exit the industry and shut down your business in that market. However, you still have invested many fixed inputs, such as emotional commitment, and tons of mental capacity that was wasted on imagining you and that special someone in a wedding gown, or bed covers, or whatever your ideal situation was during the process. And because of this, you end up losing anyways. Now it seems to me that there is no point investing in an idea you know you'll lose by not taking the risk. It's just more practical to go for it. Hey, you might just gain experience from it. Or at least a shitty story you can tell to your friends when you're crying over meg ryan's tribulations about falling in love with a man on the radio, or the same man that happens to run her out of the competitive bookstore business. It's all working towards some greater ends i guess.

Is it hot in here or is it just me?

It's hard to find alone time here, and when i do, i tend to feel like it's being wasted. 976 lost games of mindsweeper doesn't exactly give me the peace of mind that i'd have hoped for, contrary to popular belief. Even if i do choose to exit my riveting game of MS (i'm clearly too comfortable with minesweeper when i start acronyming it), i somehow end up on facebook, which is the internet equivalent of a giant fucking party. I think the issue is that i like playing host a little too much. If we're gonna get analytical then i think it's best that i delve into my childhood, a time when i vehemently was against playing house with the rest of the class, mostly because for some reason i was always voted mom. What in the world qualified me as the most matriarchal of all my fellow jewish female friends is beyond me. I figure that now i'm just compensating. This may also be the source of my anti-children attitude. Thanks PJA, you severely fucked me over as far as conventional housewives go.
I think Thoreau had it right when he wrote Walden, aside from the fact that he's a loony. It should also be noted that when i typed the word loony, an instant picture of Thoreau chasing after Roadrunner and getting hit by an unexplainable amount of TNT popped into my head. Where can one actually find time to reflect when we're surrounded by distractions like making other people E-Z mac and blowing yourself up via old school computer games? All of these factors have also made it pretty hard to be one on one with people, since i can't even stand to be one on one with myself. This also explains my severe hatred for phones, and most things that mimic a phone. Sorry liat. You seem to be on the losing end of this distaste, but i swear i want to talk to you :). I mean, i love spending time with people, but sometimes when it's just me and someone else i get this prodding anxious feeling. It may be because when i'm in a group, there's little to no opportunity for the room to totally clear out so i can get my time for myself, but when i'm just one person away from my mini-finish line, my unconscious goes psycho and does all it can to clear that person out. The truth is i tots miss my old life, despite how much i love it here. I can't find the same comfort, which is to be expected since it took 4 years to find my place at home. I just miss the unconditional acceptance and complete understanding that my friends seemed to be naturally equipped with. Plus to add more to my mental stack of work, i have to choose my clases for next semester, and, let me tell you, i have far too many options. Among these are an american culture class called "beatniks, hippies, and punks", an astronomy class explaining the big bang, an art history class which is perfect for my neglected art background and lack of interest in art altogether, a creative writing course, spanish readings, psychology of language, and to top it off a "frauds and fantastic claims" archeology seminar. You know, strictly the necessary basics for a girls college experience. This weekend need to all sorts of low key for me to organize my distraught state-of-mind. Alls i can say is thank goodness for thanksgiving.