Fit damnit

Oh hey readers. Welcome to the mind of Rachel 2.0 - Collegiate edition. So far i've been pretty behind on logging my many thoughts into the semi-permanent capsul that is the internet since i've gotten here, but i'm hoping with time the 2.0 version will be like Sims Superstar or something equally epic. Maybe i'm overestimating the my popularity. Either way, when i look back on these postings on some rainy, or most likely blizzardy; seeing as i'm now a michigander; day, i'll be able to see the difference in what i write. Recapping the college experience so far may go a little something like this. Marni, move-in, Marni and company, dining, Marni, shopping, Marni, greenwood... i think you can see a pattern. What's the word i'm looking for? ohh, co-dependent. Actually things here are great, but i'm still lacking that vital comfort that camp and/or portland brought. I miss those hours i can spend alone, and knowing that i can always call certain people for something to do, no matter what it is, or when it would be happening. I miss bitching and moaning, because no one likes a complainer right off the bat (though if this whole "be yourself" motto is actually all its cracked up to be, maybe i should show the people i meet the real me, rough cynical edges and all). I miss being sick of knowing where i'm going and having to explore the untapped areas of the city, i miss needing a smoke because some people are just too much to handle, i miss superbad-esk searches for alcohol becuase it's just too easy to get drunk here, i miss every little crappy, frustrating, mediocre, sedated, difficult, dirty part of my life back home that i hadn't quite parted with because i didn't realize that they'd be missed. I'm not miserable at all, i just want to be able to be. The other night i lay in my bed trying to control the ridiculous amount of information filtering through my limbic system and couldn't find comfort. That session of constant tossing and turning felt like a description of my feelings at that moment to the T. I wasn't unhappy that i couldn't sleep, but that just wasn't what i expected to be doing for so long. I became so desperate that (i'm shocked that i'm about to admit to this horribly trite and dull action) i actually tried to count sheep. Sheep for fucks sake. I got to about 24 when i realized what a giant moron i was, and gave up trying to force it. After another 3 hours my body's better sense took over and i finally passed out. I just don't want to force it.